


Of Broken Hearts & Steely Resolutions

by BecomeMyObsession



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Chloe needs hugs, Deckerstar - Freeform, Endgame, F/M, Light Angst, Set right after 4x10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BecomeMyObsession/pseuds/BecomeMyObsession
Summary: There were so many perhaps’, so many maybes, so many what-ifs. So much left unexplored. So much left unsaid. So much she should have said. So much she should have said sooner.-Or when Chloe finally has a 'moment' to herself after everything; andfinallylets herself feel everything she's been suppressing.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 15
Kudos: 78





	Of Broken Hearts & Steely Resolutions

**Author's Note:**

> I nearly titled this 'so many maybes' then i nearly called it 'method to the madness', titles are haaard. 
> 
> Hope you like this lil missing scene that I _know_ they are not going to show in the show. So it's canon but not canon, however in my head Chloe & Lucifer are together even when they're not together... right? 
> 
> Anyway, so Chloe in the show gets a lot of shitck in S4 and I feel for her - she's expected to be this strong woman all the time by everyone (sometimes often even Luci). When she ran, and tried to send him back to Hell, it wasn't just about him - her whole foundation was shaken, she didn't believe in God or Heaven either. To then realise that you're in love with the actual Devil... and then get all this crap thrown at her by people basically expecting her to accept it. The very ground she walked on shifted beneath her - and she still doesn't even know she was basically created to be put in Lucifer's path - and we stilllll don't know why. PLUS, okay, I love Linda, but she could have reached out man, poor Chloe was so alone no wonder she was manipulated so easily. Anyhow, rant over, just needed to get in out there. They expect so much of Chloe all the time, a woman is allowed to have her weak moments you know! Give her a break people - she needs all the hugs.

_Goodbye..._

and that was it. He was gone. She had closed her eyes so she didn’t see him leave, but there was no mistaking the rustle of feathers and tell-tale breeze that gently stirred her hair- and then the space in front of her just felt vacant- lacking, lacking _him_. Guilt battered her, and she didn’t bother trying to hold the tears back when her eyes welled up and the silent tears started. She just couldn’t bear to watch him fly away from her, leave her... _again_. She sniffed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand- who cared? No one, there was no one here now. Empty. She felt, empty... and lost... and it all felt so, so, final and definite. All her remaining hope sucked out of her, whooshing out her lungs as her legs gave way and she sank backwards against the glass doors behind her, still staring into the abyss that was the black night sky. There were no stars tonight.

She half hiccupped, it breaking on a sob as she breathed in. They had turned this into a habit, losing each other every time they took that step closer. A constant battle of wills, one step closer and two back, three steps forwards and five backwards; as though it was some eternal dance that would never reach its final destination- unless, this, this now, was their final destination. Was that all they were? A fleeting missed chance, so much failed potential lost to their own misgivings.

He ran. She ran. He slept with other people. She got a boyfriend- who turned out to be a serial killer. He got a girlfriend- who released demons that ran amok in LA stealing angel babies. They were, had been, and forever will be, a disaster. Perhaps they were never meant to be. Perhaps this where it was always supposed to end. Perhaps- perhaps-

There were so many perhaps’, so many maybes, so many what-ifs. So much left unexplored. So much left unsaid. So much she _should_ have said. So much she should have said _sooner_. He had his own vices, she was sure, things he regrets- wishes they did differently. She choked in a laugh, they were so messed up, so broken- and now they were both alone, unhappy and in places they didn’t want to be.

She wanted to scream at him to come back.

Tell him she was sorry, _so so sorry._

They’d work it out.

They always did.

Right?

But she knew deep down it was empty promises, empty wishes; she couldn’t promise anything, and neither could he. This was all above her, below her...? It went over her head- more than half of it she still didn’t understand, probably never would understand... would never get the chance to understand.

He had lived for a millennia, longer even, and who was she? A blip. A smudge. So insignificant against the grand scheme of things. Yet, yet the way he looked at her, like she was the light in all his darkness, like she was his guiding beacon steering him away from the rocks in the storm- but it was he who lit the stars, he who had gifted humanity with the beauty of the constellations. Yes, she’d done her research about his name, Lucifer Morningstar, Lightbringer. Perhaps, she thought, as she stared at the blackness beyond his balcony, that was why the stars were absent tonight- did they still answer his call? Were they gone now? _Like him._ When would they return? Would they? _Would he..._

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there. The ground was cold, hard and unforgiving beneath her. She’d long gone numb, her body and her mind. She felt like a shell, distant, non-existent- deep down she knew it was pathetic, acting like this, over a broken heart, over a man. She never used to be the kind of woman who broke down, lost herself over a breakup. But so much had changed, her whole belief system had shifted and whirled underneath her- she’d fallen for the one person history said was, well- she didn’t want to go there. But, even after her fumble, her stumble, her _failure_... she still fell anyway.

She’d watched as he buried himself in Eve to forget her- and it _hurt_ , boy had that hurt, and pretending it didn’t – that hurt _more_. There was no stopping what was happening to her. She’d fallen and would continue to fall for Lucifer Morningstar, the Devil, and sometimes... well, it felt like she had no say in the matter. Everything that had happened in the past few years had changed her fundamentally- and now, who was she? Could she go back to who she was before... _no..._

She must have spent hours staring blankly at nothing in front her of her, her mind spinning and thoughts tumbling while she sat swallowing her pain trying to find some motivation to get up- then giving up, she had long resigned herself to spending the night on Lucifer’s balcony. She was stiff, rigid, and yet somehow she didn’t notice how uncomfortable she was- lost in her head and her emotions.

Hours passed before someone thought to check on her. To come looking for her. She didn’t blame them. She had no energy for blame anyway. They all saw her as this strong unbreakable woman who always snapped back when she needed too. That’s why they all gave her so much grief when she fell victim to Father Kinley’s lies, believing him, almost sending Lucifer back to H- she choked on another sob, surprising herself, how there was any energy left in her to make a sound. They’d hated her, for ages, and it was her fault, of course it was- but they all believed her to be something she wasn’t. Forgetting her past career, her past life. She was an actress for a reason. Faking confidence and bravado was second nature, and it came so easily that most of the time she believed it herself. Tricking herself into believe her _own_ lies.

But, when someone finally did think to find her, to see where she was and find out what had happened... she was so far gone she didn’t recognize the sound of her name, the questioning calls, the worried looks they shot each other. She wondered if they knew, knew what he was going to do. Did they know? Did they think he’d stay? They knew him better than her, knew him longer- _the real him_ that was. Who even was she? To them? Some woman who had come storming into Lucifer’s life, took him away, changed him, and for what-? For him to end up right back at the beginning. She’d given her heart, her soul, for everything to end up exactly the same- _what was the point?_

_Why did any of this even happen?_

“Chloe?”

She heard the voice this time more clearly, meaning whoever it was had come closer, had found her.

“Hey Chloe, you okay?”

This time her arm was jostled. She blinked, going with the movement but not moving. She didn’t have the energy, not right now. They should just leave her be. She deserved this anyway- most of this was her fault.

“Of course she’s not okay, Maze. Look at her. What did he do?” She recognized the warm timber of the man’s voice. “Where even is he anyway?”

“Chloe.” Another jostle. “Are you in there? Where’s Lucifer?”

Maze appeared in her field of vision, blurry, but it was definitely her. She’d changed and was now in a fresh set of clothes, looking as perfectly put together as ever. _Dressed to kill,_ Chloe thought. Blinking away the water in her eyes, trying to find the energy to open her mouth to answer. She got her jaw to open, but instead of answering another wracked sob startled her as it tore through her body. She closed her mouth again, closing her eyes, and turning her head away from the demon in front her.

“I don’t think he’s here.”

Maze scoffed. “Really, Amenadiel, you think?” This time Maze hooked her hand under Chloe’s upper arm to get her attention. “Chloe, where is Lucifer?”

Chloe closed her eyes, blinked back further tears and clawed around in herself for an answer, to find the strength to answer. What she managed was so far from her normal self; her voice a watery whisper. “Gone.” She shook her head, biting back her pain. “Gone. To Hell.” She hiccupped as she finally looked at Maze, and then up and over at a concerned hovering Amenadiel in the doorway. “Forever.” 

“What?” Maze frowned, peering at Chloe like she was speaking a foreign language.

“He went back there-” Chloe was pulled to her feet with a helping hand from Maze. She locked eyes with Amenadiel, before dropping them and looking at her feet, wishing she could curl into a ball and disappear into herself. “He went back to protect Charlie.” _And her_... but that went unsaid. It wasn’t needed.

“He did what?” Amenadiel frowned, rolling his shoulders. “I’ll kill him.”

“Not if I get to him first.” Maze growled, moving towards Amenadiel.

Chloe was left standing alone. She could feel the cooler breeze surrounding her now. Her hands dangled by her sides, useless. She had no fight left in her. Not now, not tonight, perhaps not again. “No.” She muttered, drawing their attention from their preparations. They both looked at her. “Don’t go.” She couldn’t have them leave too, would they come back? Would it be just her and Linda left to battle whatever came their way? “Please.” She echoed her words from earlier in night, feeling the futile utterances leave her lips as she had no say, no control, over what these celestials did, she had no clout- nothing- and,

Her emotions must have been reflected on her face as her thoughts were cut short by Maze’s hands landing on her shoulders, bringing her back to reality and blinking at the concern that looked out of place on Maze’s face. “What did he do to you?”

Chloe shrugged her shoulders, still under Maze’s sturdy hands. “Nothing.” That was just it, nothing, a chaste kiss, and... and, gone. Nothing.

“I think we need to get her home.” Amenadiel was already moving towards them. “Maze, could you see if Dan could take Trixie tonight, tell him- oh, I don’t know-”

Maze interrupted him before he could finish. “-Yeah, I’m on it.” She peered back at Chloe. “Amenadiel will take you home, okay?”

Chloe was already shaking her head. “No, stay... here.” She cleared her throat, trying to sound a tiny bit more authoritative, more like her old self. “I want to stay here.”

“Yeah, Chloe, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Maze scowled. “You can come back tomorrow if you want, but Lucifer-”

She knew. _Lucifer wouldn’t be here._ Not tonight, not tomorrow, not the day after- he really was gone, wasn’t he? The pain must have flashed on her features, and Maze, apparently now an expert on micro-expressions, cut herself off.

“I don’t think this is something to continue tonight. Let’s talk tomorrow when you’re feeling better, Chloe.”

She shook her head, feeling better tomorrow? No. Nor would she the day after. Or after that. But she’d gather herself, her core, and squash everything away to be the strong woman they knew, the mother and detective they believed could face anything. Not for them, not for herself, not even for Trixie- she wasn’t even sure why. Why couldn’t she just let herself be broken? Act broken? She didn’t have an answer for that; only that it was who she was. She’d done it her entire life; her dad, her nakedness, other cops’ disapproval of her- she’d marched through it with her head high. Why? She didn’t know. It was just what she did. So, yes, she’d do it again- and again- and again. There wasn’t anything else she _could_ do.

Amenadiel was cautiously approaching her as though she may self-combust if he moved too quickly. She tried to smile at him, but she knew it came out pathetic and fragile; like she was a broken doll. “Can we-” She swallowed. “Can we walk?”

He regarded her closely for perhaps a few seconds too long, before nodding carefully. “Okay.” He placed a hand on her upper back and gently pushed her into movement.

She took a small step, then another, then another... and that was what she’d have to continue doing. Somehow. Little steps. Baby steps. They made it to the elevator, and she turned, staring at the inside of Lucifer’s once-again trashed penthouse; it would probably be the last time she’d see it. 

She frowned as something floated towards her, watching it dance in the air as it moved towards them; twirling and spinning as it headed right for her face. She automatically reached up to grab it as the elevator doors closed, shielding her view from Lucifer’s home.

Her hand was tightly grasped around the object, and she carefully unfurled her fingers one by one to reveal the pristine white feather sitting in her hand. _Lucifer’s_. Logically she knew that their walk to the elevator had probably stirred it from the floor, and it had floated in the direction of the air current.

Still, she clenched her fingers back around it and held it to her face for a brief second, taking a deep stabilizing breath before tucking it carefully into her pocket. She side-eyed Amenadiel, but he was surreptitiously looking way from her and didn’t say anything. She was grateful for that.

She could feel the feather the entire way down in the elevator, burning a whole though her pocket- figuratively. She kept her hand over it, breathing in slowly and gritting her teeth against yet another wave of emotional pain that threatened to drown her. It was her lifeline.

She could do this.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One breath at a time.

She could, no, _she would do this._

Besides, he couldn’t stay away forever, not really- right? Deep down she was half aware she was giving herself more false hope, but she pushed the niggling thought away. She needed this. She’d protect the feather. Keep it safe.

Until the stars were alight again with his light.

Until she could return it to him.

Until they could be together.

Their journey didn’t end here. She knew that- how? The same way she knew she’d get through this- on faith perhaps? On hope? On a knowing? If you asked her, she couldn’t give you an answer, not a verbal one that made sense to your ears- she just, _knew_.

He’d be back.

They’d be together.

Then, finally, maybe, just maybe, they’d make up for all their missed time.

She was owed that. He was owed that. They were owed that.

Damn, if anything was going to stop them, come between them- she would squash it with the might of her will and they would, eventually, have their time. Nothing, no one, was going to stop them. Jaw set, she released a breath she didn’t know she was holding, falling into an easier rhythm.

She didn’t notice Amenadiel watching her, crinkles around his eyes deepening as he internally smiled. Resolution was shining in Chloe’s eyes, her chin up and her eyes forward fixed on some point ahead of her. She radiated determination and steely willpower. This was the woman his brother had fallen in love with. Not the broken girl they’d found in his penthouse. This woman, who shone with courage and steadfastness, who had broken down his brother’s infernal walls and had carved herself a place in his heart. Amenadiel knew, his blessing of her parents and the following weaknesses she gave his brother, were for a reason.

Their journey didn’t end here. He had no idea where, how, or when it would end; especially considering her fragile mortality and his brother’s _responsibilities_... but he did know, somehow, that whatever was going to happen would be for a reason, would be right. It would perhaps not be as Just as he hoped, and he was sure lots more blood would be shed in the meantime. But, just looking at the fire burning in Chloe’s resolution, he knew, despite her internal doubts, that his brother and her would end up together.

Somehow. 

After all, he may have gotten lost along the way and it may have taken him far too long to re-find his way, but he knew now, with unflinching certainty, that his Father, well, his Father always had a method to his madness.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> I promise my next fic will actually have Lucifer/Chloe _in_ it and interacting with each other.


End file.
